Windmills

Tilting, that's what it feels like
yes, I know it is a cliché, but that's fine
I like clichés
I am cliché
No, the point is that the world isn't how you want it to be
but insists on being what it is
and imposing that on you and me.
I wake up every morning
sometimes things aren't so bad.
Sometimes I dread the day
or the night or the weekend.
Now, I'm starting to dread all of it.
What should I do?
Well, you just get up and go.
Not much else you can do.

Right now it is very early and I'm not a morning person
I'm sitting in my little cubicle
that movie Office Space is definitely on the pulse
I've done manual labor (a summer)
and there is something about that feeling of just working
and then when you aren't working you ARE NOT working
with these cubicles I can't help but feel like Winston Smith
or someone from Brave New World
I don't mean to sound pretentious.
I just think there is a "processing" going on
and we're all being processed into same lings in the cubes

The weekend is coming
Friday is here
I'm still at the beginning of it
I will be alone for most of the weekend
and normally that would be fine
But, right now, I'm not too happy about it
I think I'm concerned I'll get grumpy again
or just do nothing
Well, I will definitely get some sleep
and clean
(ha, even I don't believe me!)

moving on

Well, things are getting better
Can't complain too much
It is what it is, to fair
and the rest is up in the air

currency of thought

I'm never quite sure why I do a blog
I usually start off thinking that I'm going to communicate something specific and end up rambling
as I've said before, I don't know what the purpose of a blog is
even less a tweet on twitter
It certainly isn't a column like in a newspaper
so if it comes off as fatuous
I would say that might be because you have preconceptions.

I am on Twitter
So that my every brain fart can be uploaded to my Facebook page
Don't even use Myspace anymore
Sooo 2004!

Just saw a story last week saying Twitter is evil
short attention spans and tools that shorten them
contribute to a lack of ability to empathize with other human beings
Fortunately, my belief that you don't exist and I am in the Matrix
means I never have to empathise.

There is still no change in my previously described circumstance
I suppose there is a bit of boy who cried dead grandma in that
if I was actually looking for help
For example, a cry for help would have been when I was actually feeling the full weight of all that and not ... well, later
So, it is just something I'm dealing with on a daily basis
and, yes, it definitely impacts everything else
no doubt about it
I don't care as much about the pettiness of others
the trivial concerns of daily life don't really get in my way as much
I feel there is less need to conform to what other want me to be
in that, I feel a bit better

So, I guess you could say I'm feeling a little sense of freedom
Just a bit
Just like this format of rambling, which Kilbey uses in his blog,
It isn't really that I'm copying him
It gives me freedom to not think about the next sentence too much
and mess it up
a little free-form association

Life isn't what we think it is
That is about as profound a statement as I can ever muster
It just isn't
and by definition, probably cannot be
fully imagined or fully understood
by our finite minds
we are locked into this one perspective - our own

So communicate, but never preach
Live your life, but never hurt

Citizen Mike

Well, just a new day and the same old drama. My grandmother has been sick for some time.

Not dying, just sick. Well, we’re all dying, but that’s not the point. Things have escalated to a point where bigger healthcare decisions need to be made. I suppose the problem I have is what I heard on NPR that day … that all family stuff comes out when someone dies. Well, my grandmother is the lynchpin of our family and I feel that once she is gone … so will my family be gone.

The difficulty that I’m going through right now is that I don’t feel too comfortable with things as they stand in my family, job, and life in general. I don’t have much security. My mother is a bit odd and tends to live in a state of denial a lot. This makes it difficult to get a good sense of what is happening. I also am not certain she is up to making the hard choices when it comes right down to it.

So, two weekends ago I felt suicidal over a lot of this. This was a very difficult time and I faced it down. In fact, I spent a lot of time sorting out the details and dealing with the feeling head-on. I then pulled my back last week and spent most of the weekend trying to heal as well as dealing with the family stuff.

Not feeling sorry for myself, just getting stressed beyond all belief. I’m not trying to make myself into some drama, just trying to explain what is happening. I also made the mistake of trying to decrease (with Dr’s approval, of course) my Cymbalta. This was NOT the time to do that as things were just getting more intense. That is a separate issue, but I did have a tough time holding myself together. I have a lot of will power, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

I think this week a decision will have to be made about more serious, long-term care for grandmother. It has been coming for quite some time.

There is a sad thing as an addition that some people might not like (depending on your faith, I suppose) and that is quality of life versus sanctity of life. In my family’s case, we’re not very religious and none of us really believe that you should live on and on, especially if the quality of that life isn’t worth living. This isn’t some immediate dilemma we have to face (the pull the plug question) but it is worth thinking about in the long run. Is life more precious than the quality of that life? I feel (as do a few people in the family) that it doesn’t.

OK. That’s enough for now.

Honestly

Well, honestly, I'm tired
So, let's say hi to honesty
in Kil-bo's format
of the unpoetic poem

There is a lot going on around me
family is in some trouble
the same, actually
just ever sliding down the slippery slope
My grandmother has alzheimers
my mother is in a sort of denial
my aunt and my mother fight
my brother makes up lies about me
and I ... well I just try and figure out
what the heck the point of it is

Now, I hit the rock bottom the other day
unfortunately, I don't have much support around me
not the literal kind
or the emotional kind
So, I had to face it, like a dragon in the dark
and face it I did
all weekend
the truth, the reality, what is and what will be
And then first thing Monday,
NPR does this story about a dying loved one
"Those old family fueds will simply sharpen and get worse"
or something ... "when a family member dies"
Pretty much what I don't want to happen,
but I've faced it
It WILL happen and I can't stop it
The only choice I have is to step out of the way
of Sisyphus's bolder

And that, my friends and estranged readers
is not as easy as it sounds
Try telling yourself "Hey, I don't care about
the people I care about!"
Not easy at all

No, this is honest.
I have to be honest and brutal with me
and everyone else
I have to survive this
My life has been a kind of chess piece for my family
a pawn if anything in a divorce/guilt game
and it has taken me 39 years to wriggle free

No, I'm not going back down that rabbit hole
I'm going to step back
Let it all happen

I sometimes think life has taken me way off the track
Any else feel that way?

Thanks for reading
and here is a picture I like ...

April Fools - unfortunately not

OK, so the joke was too good to miss. Gordon Brown is certainly the most hopeless Prime Minister ever and O-mania is beginning to wane. However, they can't be blamed for everything.

So, I've already had my April Fools ... and it might be connected to this stupid Conficker virus. Of course, last night I shut off my computer, but I awoke to find a $1.00 charge to a dating site called True dot com (don't want to promote the fuckers, so I spelled "dot".) Generally, a $1.00 charge means a bigger one is coming, like when you get gasoline, etc.

Since I have been seeing someone for quite some time and have never visited this crappy site before, I was a bit irrate (as you can imagine.) So, I called my bank and I have to wait and see. Of course, I can and will dispute the charge.

So, I'm wondering if my BANK itself has been infected with this Conficker virus thing? I've been watching the reports in real time on google news, so we'll see what's happening.