Suicidal thoughts ... not mine

So this was on Drudge (with its usual disdain.) Seems valid to me.

NANNY STATE: GOVERNMENT WEBSITE TO WARN OF SADNESS/CRYING OVER ECONOMY
Mon Mar 30 2009 18:43:56 ET

The U.S. government is set to offer an online emotional rescue kit!

"Getting Through Tough Economic Times" will launch Tuesday with a media push across all platforms.

The site is meant to help people identify health concerns related to financial worries.

The feds will warn of depression, suicidal thinking and other serious mental illnesses. It will raise warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger.

The guide will be available starting at midnight at http://www.samhsa.gov/economy.

Developing...

So, hmm, what is exactly wrong with feeling depressed during a serious financial crisis. It's the Democrats fault. Yes, that's the overwhelming message. Only rich assholes think this way.

....
Does your boss make you sick?

DYBMYS

But, this isn't the only topic under my Suicide post. This interesting website came up because of an incident and I suddenly realize that this might be a major contributor to my own personal problems. I recommend you take the questionnaire and it might reveal a few things to you. Personally, there were only about 2 questions that I DIDN'T answer yes to.

....

Of course, suicidal tendancies are with most people and it is only in our enlightened "Christian" society that it has been given such a bad rap. I'm not saying do it and I'm not going to do it, however thinking about it isn't a crime or something to be ashamed of. You just simply have to find out what is making you unhappy and attack it ... fix the problem.

Life is an ongoing experiment ...

Maintaining

Update - A week into the Cymbalta decompression. Difficulty with anxiety, but it was based on something real, not imagined. This is actually more of a comfort than you might imagine.

But, unlike some, I don't blame my mistakes on other people.

I've gone a long way toward fixing my personal screw ups this last week. 1

Again, being vague, but in my life I'm sort of a spy. I have to maintain a cover of sorts to keep the facts from getting into the wrong hands.

So, at the end of a long and somewhat turbulant week, I just want to fade off into thin air and non-existence.

A Bit Better

OK, I’ve been cutting down my dosage from 60mg back to 30mg of Cymbalta since last Thursday. Last night I had my first “brain zap” (the term used most often … more like a threshold shift.) Laid down on the couch and fell asleep around 8pm. Although I’m going through some personal stuff as well right now, the fact that I was able to fall asleep was a good thing. I woke up around 11:30pm and got into bed. I have a public meeting tonight, so my day will run from 7am this morning until sometime around 8pm tonight. Fine, that’s part of the job, but it will be quite an endurance test.

I’m not certain what exactly I should write about today. I do know that I’m feeling well out of sorts, so I’m waiting to see what this afternoon brings.

Hell on Earth – Houston Style

Well, let’s see, until this last weekend I didn’t think it was possible that I would believe in a hell, but now, especially after last night and this morning, I believe it is right here in Houston. I’m in it.

But, let me preface my blog here by saying that this is not manipulation. Just for that .001% of those who feel that manipulation is a part of everything written (i.e., that moron.)

For the last year I’ve been on a medication called Cymbalta and it has helped me deal with anxiety related issues more anything I’ve tried before. Look it up and you will find all the problems associated with it, most specifically getting on and coming off. Well, my doctor and I agreed that reducing the dosage was a good idea for various reasons and I’ve spent the last four days in a kind of living bodily hell that I can only describe as “flu-like” symptoms. I’d compare it to a heroin addict, but I’ve never tried that, so I can’t actually say.

What it did feel like was an exhausted mind trapped in an exhausted body, but somehow slightly disconnected from each other. I felt achy, tired, but unable to sleep, even with medication. Yesterday (Sunday) I started to feel better.

Then I had to change the bulb in my projector. No big deal. I had planned for this. It took time and clearly the industry doesn't go out of their way to make it simple to do things like ... reset the timer. But, hey, it got done.

Another event took place last night that I will not discuss here as it relates to someone else … and it isn’t for anyone to read on a blog. As mad as I am, I respect personal privacy. However, it was shattering for me.

This morning, after a very restless sleep (or periods of sleep) I got up to go to work … and got a ticket for going through a red light … the fact that it was yellow at the time means nothing to HPD who know that these are their best ticket quota items.

So, Hell is happening. If I say I literally see no reason for living, it is because life has shown this to be self-evident. I am annoyed, tired, sick, bedraggled … and worst of all, facing one frak-ass long week …

I hate my life. What else is there to say.

ps. I am not going to kill myself. Anyone who feels that way should read this. HERE

Admiration and Pity

The mere concept that I want admiration or pity, to respond to a critique leveled at me, is baseless. It is an assumption and it isn’t true. The truth is far simpler: life is more complicated and complex (different things) than most people imagine. For me, a set of circumstances and inclinations have lead me down this path. I’m creative, sure, but I also suffer. Since I’m not famous (and, really, never wanted fame, otherwise I’d be Los Angeles or New York) it isn’t a case of attention seeking.

In fact, I’d like people to like what I do, but not necessarily admire me for it. The two are not the same.

My suffering is from depression and often this depression is circumstantial, as I’ve come to find out over the years. If you are in an environment most of the time that inhibits your personal expression (especially for someone like me) it becomes depressing. Add to that a dose of nihilism from years of family problems and grandmother (the center of the family, mind you) who is slowly dying, and you get a little bit … well, down. It would be weird if I didn’t feel depressed sometimes, I think.

I’m actually not looking for pity or nice words. I like to hear other people tell their stories. In fact, other points of view tend to help me more than sympathy or pity. Yesterday, feeling quite a down, I saw someone in a wheelchair. Sort of cliché, but it has that added benefit of being true. Anyway, perspective snapped back and I realized I needed to focus on my moods. I’m not so bad off and the rest is all expectation of something life never promised.

No, I am merely working through something and this seems like a good place to do it. Nothing quite as bold or weird as manipulating a casual reader. Just a personal blog. That’s all.

2008 Movies (Part One)

God, it has taken me until March to get to this and I'm not even done. I've done half the year, so I'll post what I have.

JAN

The Killing of John Lennon - 4/10



My yearly list of good and bad and all the movies I've seen ... is rather late in coming, I realize, but I'm going to make a stab at it. Frankly, I've been staying out of the movie houses a lot this year and many of these I saw on dvd later. This is certainly one I wouldn't have "paid" to see as it is kind of bizarre and uninsightful. It does, however, continue to demonstrate that strange penchant Hollywood has for making 2 films about the same subject (there is another film about Marc David Chapman in this list, sadly, making that 2.)

At times this movie seems insightful, but I couldn't help but feel that Chapman was portrayed a bit better in the other one. This guy sees Chapman as a bit more like Kurt Cobain on a hero quest, even though there is no doubt about his sanity.


Cloverfield - 7/10



It was ok. Pretty much exactly what I thought it would be, which is why I didn't get upset like everyone else did when the viral marketing didn't make it the greatest film ever. In fact, I sort of liked that crazy idea that was floating around on the very fringes of speculation that it was a Lost film ... which would have been a great addition ... But, no. Basically, this is what it looks like: a combination of "Godzilla" and "The Blair With Project." If you can't deal with shaky cameras or thought it would be the greatest film of the year, then you were upset. If not, then this was fine.


FEB

In Bruges - 8/10



Colin Farrell finally makes a decent film and its an obscure little movie about the morality of contract killers. There was a lot to make this worthwhile, but mainly the dark humor (and the migit.)


Jumper - 5/10



Sam Jackson ... why? You are totally going all Nick Cage on me. Basically, this film reminds me of the old Not the Nine O'Clock news parody of MTV "Nice Video, Shame about the Song." There isn't a plot of any kind here and the characters are totally absurd. It isn't a waste of your time to watch as it is fun, but it doesn't really go anywhere. There are plenty of fun movies that do, so it really is a question of "Do I want to see the guy who played Annakin Skywalker in a movie again?"


Be Kind Rewind - 5/10



I know I'm supposed to like this movie, but I honestly can never picture myself watching it again. I suppose it has a nice feeling, but kind of dumb. Two guys who run the neighborhood video rental place accidentally erase all the movies and, very stupidly, decide to remake all the films themselves ... and people get addicted to their zany versions. Again, it's nice, but stretched my willingness to believe a bit too far ...


Vantage Point - 7/10

I did actually like this movie quite a bit, even though it was totally obvious from the first second that Matthew Fox was the villian.


The Other Boleyn Girl - 3/10

This film, despite its all glamour cast, is about as dull as it can get. Its flash makes Showtime's "The Tudors" look positively realistic. Futhurmore, it does the one thing you mustn't ever do in an historical film ... bore the living hell out of you.


MARCH

The Bank Job - 7/10



The first Jason Statham film I've ever been able to stand and comes as a nice sort of tribute to the British sensation "Life on Mars." Based on a true story, it also has that nice freshness that true stories usually do in that ... life is always more interesting than fiction.


Run Fatboy Run - 6/10

Despite the fact that both Simon Pegg and Dylan Moran are in this film, it is still Jason Schwimmer film ... so, like a fifth generation photocopy of the original, this feels like Americans trying to make a fun little Brit film ... and utterly failing.



APRIL

The Ruins 1/10

I tried to watch this for about 15 minutes and it is utter dreadful in every way.


88 Minutes - 7/10

Universally panned this year, I actually enjoyed the absurdity of 88 Minutes. I guess if you put Al Pacino in a bad film he tends to turn up the crazy notch in his acting belt, which is what I find most entertaining about him as an actor. Sure, the film has no plot and is silly, but it has Al doing all kinds of crazy things ... and the big hair.


Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? - 2/10

I'm so sick of vegan fucker, Morgan Spurlock and his dumb stunts. Just go ahead and do "Why shouldn't I run with scissors and stab yourself to death already. He makes Michael Moore seem like he has finesce.


Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay - 7/10

I really wanted to hate this, but actually thought it was very funny ... in that childish way.



MAY

Iron Man 9/10



when I read on anintitcool.com that there was to be an Iron Man movie, I honestly thought "well, whoever cared about Iron Man?" Even when I read comics as a kid, Iron Man wasn't good. When I heard Robert Downy Jr. was going to play Iron Man (and most importantly, Tony Stark) then I knew it would be great ... Downy Jr.'s history IS Tony stark. He doesn't have to even act. As plots go, well, it was a robot CGI fest toward the end, but having a bald Jeff Bridges in there as a bad guy gave it a lot of added guts.


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 7/10



I didn't hate this movie the way other people did, though I did agree that it is the "3rd Worst Indiana Jones movie." Still, nothing can beat "Temple of Doom" for screwing over a great franchise. And, Harrison Ford actually bothered to wake up and act instead of sleepwalk his way through another paycheck. Nice to see you, Ford.


JUNE

Mongol - 7/10

Very well worth watching. This is an epic story with epic cinematography about the beginning of the Mongolian empire. What else do you want? Look up the plot on wikipedia.


The Incredible Hulk - 3/10



Wow, I never thought one actor could be so miscast in a film as Ed Norton is as David Banner. He even makes Bana's spin in Ang Lee's pre-qual (of sorts) look spirited. No, Ed Norton can act, but not as well as everyone thinks he does and he does have the sort of personality that makes you want to smack him. I certainly never felt the Bixby vibe he was claiming to be going for ...


Wanted - 2/10



Just dumb. Sorry, but it is. They can put a curve ball type thing on bullets, man. Oh, and Morgan Freeman says "Mother F***er" ... That's all that's interesting in this rather Jumper-esque story.

Point of View ... Mine

Much has been going on and yet there really isn’t much new to read in my blog. I suppose I’ve gone off the idea of writing down my thoughts, even though some people read them. I even have an attacker of sorts (see the “Down … Really Down” comment from the spineless Anonymous commenter.) The strange thing is, there are so many issues I’m dealing with that are difficult and positive, I simply refute any attack made at me or my occasional whining.

As I’ve said, the purpose of this blog is merely to have a public place to express my thoughts … MY thoughts, not a doctrine or political autocratic preaching. I’m not convincing you of anything. This is merely my thought repository on numerous subjects. A point of view that, much like personal taste, cannot be “wrong” in any judgmental way. You cannot judge me, except as a person who is as equally as fallible. That fallibility is what makes me (an you) human.

What has been going on in my life? Well, I’ve been making up with lost friends, helping my family stay together during my grandmother’s ever declining state of health (she has Alzheimer’s, is getting on in years, and now it appears her entire gastric tract is under some infectious attack.) People who find that if I talk about my life -- the reality of which has been hard since the second I was born into it -- in some way that is truthful and real is be manipulative, then they are deeply sad and lack empathy.

I admit, a blog seems to be like a book or article and that comes about because it is used by so many people who are political figures, or who take a subject (from love, film, science fiction, or social issues) … but I would argue that a blog that focuses on the individual’s point of view must therefore focus on all aspects of that life.

I’ve been in a good relationship recently, and that is something I’m not going to discuss in my blog. It isn’t fair to drag her into this or expose any of her life to those she does not wish to share them with.

As we watch the steadily declining economy and I see my friends react in so many varied ways at this, I feel pretty lucky to be working. My general state of mind for the last year has been mostly positive. If, however, I write about a time when I am not, that merely is truth. Truth cannot be anything but truth. However you, the reader feel, is not my responsibility (as I am not advocating anything but personal responsibility.)

So, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Otherwise, if you hold on to your rigid view of "what I should be writing" ... then I feel like this picture ... like talking to an alien.