Admiration and Pity

The mere concept that I want admiration or pity, to respond to a critique leveled at me, is baseless. It is an assumption and it isn’t true. The truth is far simpler: life is more complicated and complex (different things) than most people imagine. For me, a set of circumstances and inclinations have lead me down this path. I’m creative, sure, but I also suffer. Since I’m not famous (and, really, never wanted fame, otherwise I’d be Los Angeles or New York) it isn’t a case of attention seeking.

In fact, I’d like people to like what I do, but not necessarily admire me for it. The two are not the same.

My suffering is from depression and often this depression is circumstantial, as I’ve come to find out over the years. If you are in an environment most of the time that inhibits your personal expression (especially for someone like me) it becomes depressing. Add to that a dose of nihilism from years of family problems and grandmother (the center of the family, mind you) who is slowly dying, and you get a little bit … well, down. It would be weird if I didn’t feel depressed sometimes, I think.

I’m actually not looking for pity or nice words. I like to hear other people tell their stories. In fact, other points of view tend to help me more than sympathy or pity. Yesterday, feeling quite a down, I saw someone in a wheelchair. Sort of cliché, but it has that added benefit of being true. Anyway, perspective snapped back and I realized I needed to focus on my moods. I’m not so bad off and the rest is all expectation of something life never promised.

No, I am merely working through something and this seems like a good place to do it. Nothing quite as bold or weird as manipulating a casual reader. Just a personal blog. That’s all.